Trillions of thoughts swimmin’ in my mind. Thoughts of you, taunting whatever I’m trying to let go of..
That purple flower placed delicately behind my right ear. Finding a place in the gardens where I can be away for awhile on my own during drawing classes but noticed you’re not far behind, following closely. Your willingness to part with your jacket on cold days to keep me warm. How eager you were to look for me in school when I thought our first time meeting, would honestly be our last. The way you kept your gaze on me the day I had to wear a floral skirt for a class activity. How you regarded my things as your own, taking it whenever you want to. Fluffin’ my hair for my daily mane look, ponytail up or not. Stayin’ back in school so you & Jw could teach me some bboy moves. Coming up with ideas to make me stay a little longer.
Because the stuff we have to carry to school in Year 1 was practically impossible, you would always find ways to lift my bag off my shoulders to pile with your load. The day I found a picture of me sleeping, when we had our class chalet, in your phone incidentally. The time when we were chillin’ out at Jw’s place & I was so zonked out, I took an unintended nap that the next moment I woke up to was your fingers running through strands of my hair. Combing as gently as you could, so as to let me sleep in a little while longer undisturbed. When I found that ticket at the back pocket of my dress, you must’ve secretly sneaked in, to your church dinner event that I missed because I wasn’t sure if it really was for me. You denied ever giving it to me, we didn’t talked for days before we were okay again.
You were the only person I could be strange, weird, queer, silly & crazy with then.. I could truly be myself with you. Despite rushing through the night for a due assignment the next day, you walked me out of campus as far as you could just to make sure I’m safe. Your persistent texts on days I couldn’t make it to school for classes & lectures whilst being unwell at home & won’t stop until I’ve replied. When we ran into a dark lecture hall to hide & sat in the dark, side by side in the quiet, & that nervous feeling I get starts to kick in.. Fearing the exact same thing would happen in the similar dream that I had way before this happened. It didn’t. We were interrupted mid-way through our conversation by the roars of laughter from the boys.
There were 5 of us left from our class chalet & the rest opted to watch zombie movies I wasn’t quite drawn to so I went to shower, headed to the room next to our current one to get some shut eyes. You shuffled in to sleep next to me, fixing up a bed mattress on the floor. So that I won’t be alone through the night. We invented this sound from nowhere that literally made us laugh for a full 5 minutes until it ached every part of our bodies. Our reactions that don’t tally ‘cause Lord of The Rings lags in Malaysia apparently, opposed to Singapore’s. Playing songs on your guitar through webcam, asking if it sounded alright. Jammin’ on the piano in your church’s common room. That look we get everytime we get seen together. How everybody was so sure of us, except for us both.
3 years, I’ve put the past behind me. Now that it began to resurface with the mention of your name, I don’t know what to make of all these but understand how difficult it is to forget someone who gives you so much to remember about.. It’s funny how everything seems so unreal. That we are strangers, again. Guess we both changed too much to the point that there’s no going back. But if there’s ever a chance in the near future, if we ever get over this, that we’ll reminiscent these times & I would ask ‘bout why you did the things you do. That I’ll tell you that I’m sorry if I ever ignored your feelings, miss the mixed signals & wasn’t brave enough to be the first to clarify/sort out the mess that we were in.
The last time Jw & I bumped into you, you seemed to be doing fine, much happier actually. Though the talking wasn’t done between us. That’s all I could hope for really.. Even as much as I want you in my life, to always be my best friend, to be there for me, I know this is the only choice I see working out. I wonder how long do we have to keep this up..
(Source: coeurpraline)
